Friday, January 16, 2004

Read me a story, Daddy

Windows XP has a cool accessibility tool built in. It's called Narrarator, and it's for the blind or vision impaired user. Narrator reads all text aloud. A quick way to get there is by pressing the Windows key + U. Or, the long way is by selecting Start|Programs|Accessories|Accessibility|Narrator.

It's not perfect, and the voice is not exactly mellifluous. For best results, use it to read text-only documents and text-only websites.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Blasts from the past

Remember "Zork"? (Mac + Commodore 64)
Remember "Adventure" on the Atari?
They're back, they're for Windows, and they're free.

Zork I
Zork I, Zork II, Zork III.

More flashbacks than magic brownies!

Hint: if you're trapped between the glacier and the grue, annoy the grue. He'll blast you with fire (like a dragon); the fire melts the glacier, and the resulting flood washes away the grue. Pick up your lantern, sword, gold coins, and move on.

Free downloads from the original developer.


Adventure.
Possibly the original open-source game, this was popular (among real nerds) before Bill Gates had pimples, when computers took up an entire room, and the necessary air-conditioning took up another room. Everyone had access to the source code, so programmers all over the world fixed bugs and modified the game.

The program comes with the source code so programmers can add their own modifications to the classic. That @#$&* dragon keeps scaring the heck out of me with its loud sound and won't go away. It plays just like the old computer games like Apple Manor where you work your way around a maze, picking up objects in search of the Chalice. Where's that sword so I can stop the duck-looking dragon from getting me?
1.4MB, Win9x/2k/XP, FREE Download

Show your kids (grandkids?) how great the old computer games were!


Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Who Needs Windows Updates?

If you use Windows, you do!

Windows has made computers easier to use. That's the good news. The bad news is that Windows is fundmentally flawed through and through, right to the core. Windows has evolved over the past 23 years, from a simple, single-user, single-task system to a complex, multi-user, multi-task system. Along the way, however, Microsoft has never bothered to write a complex system from scratch. Instead, Microsoft's approach has been to pile fixes and patches and features on top of a very aged system.

The result is that Windows is full of holes, and is horribly insecure. Unexpected interactions between programs, data, and users bring the system to its knees all the time. Worse yet, now that most computers have access to a network - especially to the Internet - guys in black hats are always trying to find a vulnerable computer to attack.

In the Saturday, January 03, 2004 article, I published The Absolutely Essential Guide to Computer Security Software. Now that you've taken care of all of that, here's the next step: Windows Updates.

1. Connect to the Internet.
2. Using your web browser (usually Internet Explorer) go to the Windows Update Web Site. Some Windows computers have a link to that site built-in to the Windows Start Menu. In that case, click the Start Button, then click Windows Update.
3. Click on "Scan for Updates"
4. In the left-hand pane on the web page, select each category of updates, one at a time.
5. When the site has found the updates, click "Review and Install updates". You do not need to install updates for a language other than the language in which you work on your computer. Most users do not need to install Chinese, Arabic, and so on.
6. Follow the instructions on the web page. This may take a while. When the process is complete, it may require rebooting your system.
7. The first time you do this there will be many updates to choose.

Microsoft's current plan is to release updates on the second Tuesday of each month.

As always, if you need help, drop me a note.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Upgrade Problems

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 & noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower & jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In Addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 & Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 & NBA 30. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs & House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
-- Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the Command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME & download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 & Flowers 35. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications & will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory & cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory & performance.
I personally recommend Hot Food 30 & Lingerie 6.9. Good Luck.
-- Tech Support

Illegal Windows file name characters

In all computer systems, there are some rules about naming files. These rules are not arbitrary. They exist because some characters have special meanings; used in a file name, they would cause the system to yield bizarre results - or even to crash - if the system attempts to perform certain processes on the mis-named files.

[understatement] Windows has a few quirks [/understatement]. One of those quirks is that Windows frequently allows you to save a file with "illegal" file name - a name that contains illegal chracters. However, when you try to re-open that file, or perform system processes, and Windows balks (or even crashes).

To avoid the problem, don't use illegal characters in filenames. Illegal Windows file name characters are as follows:

?    [    ]    /    \    =   +    <    >    :    ;    "    ,    *

In addition, names of files destined for posting on a website should not contain
spaces
upper case letters
%

or the Illegal characters listed above.

Monday, January 12, 2004

Re-directing e-mail

So you want to redirect a piece of e-mail from Microsoft Outlook -- not forward it, which would stamp it with your own return address, but to redirect it to a third party, stamped with the original sender's return address.

If you want this - and many other truly neat features - switch to Eudora, which offers many advantages over Outlook.

However, there is a way to unlock Outlook's secret Redirect feature:

Open the message into its own window by double-clicking it.
From the Actions menu, choose Resend This Message.
Outlook points out that "you do not appear to be the original sender."
If you click Yes, Outlook lets you type in a new forwarding address.
Although there's nothing on the screen to let you know, the message will appear as though it came straight from the original sender. It ain't pretty, but it works.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Household Tip

In a pinch, frozen water can substitute for ice.
-- Brad Deen