You Just Can't Make Up Things This Bizarre

You can even buy the album!

Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

This Explains A Lot

H.L. Mencken said "No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American Public." Here's the proof:
http://porktornado.diaryland.com/albumcover.html

Bin Laden Regrets

NEWS FLASH!
Today an AlQeda spokesman said that they HAD sent the memo explaining the
who
what
why
where
when
how
of September 11, 2001.

"It must have gotten lost in the mail," he told Al-Jezerra News. "Mr. Bin Laden sends his regrets over the mix-up."

"Heck, the package even included some crayons so they could connect the dots", he said in closing.

Maybe they should have disguised it as a Presidential Daily Briefing - or as a copy of "The Very Hungry Caterpillar," the book which GW Bush says is his favorite.

Note: this fictitious news item might contain a bit of sarcasm, violating our "irony-free zone" policy. Caveat Emptor.

Sha-zamm!

How did Gomer Pyle get into the Marine Corps in the first place? The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy wouldn't have counted in his case.

Maxwell Smart Becomes James Bond?

The White House proposed a new spy agency modeled on England's famed MI-5. The CIA does need an overhaul. The question is, how are we going to turn Maxwell Smart into James Bond without it looking like an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Spy?
-- Argus Hamilton

Personal Ads Placed by Animals

(Some of) The Top 15 Personal Ads Placed by Animals

Praying Mantis: Looking for a mate who's willing to lose his head over me.
-- Slick Sharkey

Dog: Who's a pretty girl? Who's a pretty girl?!? Is it you? *Is* it? Leave your reply on the oak outside 1432 Crestwood.
-- Andrea Crain

Platypus: Seeking mate. Funny-looking applicants need not apply.
-- Danny Gallagher

Sloth: Looking for someone willing to take things slowly
-- Danny Gallagher

Tiger: Single white feline ISO new relationship to sink teeth into. No Germans.
-- Sandra Hull

Penguin: Lonely flightless waterfowl seeks mate who enjoys formal black-tie affairs and romantic moonlit waddles on the glacier.
-- Tom Stoudt

German Shepherd: Seeking leg for long-term humping. No rolled newspapers or garden hoses, please.
-- Dave Goudsward

Shamelessly 'borrowed' from Chris White

Ah, The Good Old Days

Remember when the President's Daily Brief was Monica's thong?

Speaking of the President's Daily Brief....

"The White House said Friday it would declassify the President's Daily Brief of August 6, 2001. It warned that Osama was planning to attack America, but President Bush was preoccupied reviewing scientific papers on stem cell research. He was too busy protecting the sanctity of innocent human life to worry about New Yorkers."
-- Argus Hamilton

A Uniter, Not a Divider

It took a while, but now we're seeing GW Bush's uniting in action. So far he's united:
- non-Republican Americans (traditionally a very divied group), against Bush-Cheney '04
- most of the world, against America
- for the first time in history, Sunnis and Shiites, against us

Good job, George.