Thus Spake Joshua

" [war is..] a strange game. The only winning move is to not play. How about a nice game of chess?"
-- Joshua (the computer in the 1983 movie War Games)

The American Way

I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Your death, that is.
-- Tristan Fabriani
Copyright 2004 by Chris White

Oh No! More Missing WMDs

The Los Alamos Nuclear Laboratory announced a halt in classified work until missing nuclear materials and weapons components can be found. That's the way things have been going. Now we can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction.
-- Argus Hamilton

Catching Olympic Fever - An Update

What It Takes To Become A Serious Women's Beach Volleyball Fan.

Update:
" NBC's Olympics coverage showed U.S. women winning in beach volleyball Tuesday. The girls celebrated by rolling all over each other in the sand in their skimpy bikinis. This gave hope to men everywhere that beer commercials really do come true."
-- Argus Hamilton

The Colossal Irrelevence of the Not-Too-Swift-Vets-For-Spreading-Lies

From Josh Marshall:

"Bob Dole knows as well as any person how capricious is the gleaning of medals. Some men deserve what they don't get; some get what they don't deserve. And who should know better than he that it is craven to belittle a man's service because it didn't extend over some arbitrary stretch of time?"

"Bob Dole spent little time in combat. But as a result of the time he did spend, he lay on his back for years, recovering, and helping others to recover."

"I spent a year in Vietnam and came home without a scratch. My brother served two tours in Vietnam, earned three Purple Hearts - and was hospitalized, and does draw disability - and yet spent far less time than I did in-country. Indeed, my brother's first "tour" lasted about 15 minutes, ending on the beach near Danang in the midst of the U.S. Marines' first amphibious assault in Vietnam."

"His detractors are bluffing, using such a weird yardstick to measure John Kerry's alleged shortfall."

"Time in-country, how often a man was wounded, how much blood he shed when he was wounded... it is hurtful that those who served in Vietnam are being split in so vile a fashion, and that the wounds of that war are reopened at the instigation of people who avoided serving at all."

"It is hurtful that a man of Bob Dole's stature should lend himself to the effort to dishonor a fellow American veteran in the service of politics at its cheapest."

"There was a time when he would have refused. I know. I was there."

"Bush sullies everyone around him."
-- Josh Marshall

Note: I tweaked Josh's comments to improve readability. Read the exact text.

It's Life, But Not As We Know It, Jim

The Saturn Huygens Probe will soon be exploring Saturn's moon, Titan. What will they find? A lifeless hunk of rock with nothing on it except a report on the "myth" of global warming.
-- Matt Van Opens
Copyright 2004 by Chris White

A Fake News Program That Admits It's Fake

Last night's Daily Show (Jon Stewart, on the Comedy Channel):

STEWART: Here's what puzzles me most, Rob. John Kerry's record in Vietnam is pretty much right there in the official records of the US military, and haven't been disputed for 35 years?

CORDDRY: That's right, Jon, and that's certainly the spin you'll be hearing coming from the Kerry campaign over the next few days.

STEWART: Th-that's not a spin thing, that's a fact. That's established.

CORDDRY: Exactly, Jon, and that established, incontravertible fact is one side of the story.

STEWART: But that should be -- isn't that the end of the story? I mean, you've seen the records, haven't you? What's your opinion?

CORDDRY: I'm sorry, my *opinion*? No, I don't have 'o-pin-i-ons'. I'm a reporter, Jon, and my job is to spend half the time repeating what one side says, and half the time repeating the other. Little thing called 'objectivity' -- might wanna look it up some day.

STEWART: Doesn't objectivity mean objectively weighing the evidence, and calling out what's credible and what isn't?

CORDDRY: Whoa-ho! Well, well, well -- sounds like someone wants the media to act as a filter! [high-pitched, effeminate] 'Ooh, this allegation is spurious! Upon investigation this claim lacks any basis in reality! Mmm, mmm, mmm.' Listen buddy: not my job to stand between the people talking to me and the people listening to me.

STEWART: So, basically, you're saying that this back-and-forth is never going to end.

CORDDRY: No, Jon -- in fact a new group has emerged, this one composed of former Bush colleages, challenging the president's activities during the Vietnam era. That group: Drunken Stateside Sons of Privilege for Plausible Deniability. They've apparently got some things to say about a certain Halloween party in '71 that involved trashcan punch and a sodomized piñata. Jon -- they just want to set the record straight. That's all they're out for.

STEWART: Well, thank you Rob, good luck out there. We'll be right back.

Republican Convention Keynote Speech

I've managed to get my grubby hands on a portion of the speech Zell Miller is working on for the RNC keynote in New York:

Robbed of hope, the voices of anger rise up, rise up from working Americans, who are tired of paying more in taxes and getting less in services.

And George Bush doesn't get it?

Americans cannot understand why the rich can buy the best health care in the world, but all the rest of us get is rising costs and cuts in coverage, or no health insurance at all.

And George Bush doesn't get it?

Americans cannot walk our streets in safety, because our ''tough-on-crime'' president has waged a phony war on drugs, posing for pictures while cutting police, prosecutors and prisons.

And George Bush doesn't get it?

Americans have seen plants closed down, jobs shipped overseas and our hopes fade away as our economic position collapses right before our very eyes.

And George Bush does not get it!

Four years ago, Mr. Bush told us he was a quiet man, who hears the voices of quiet people.

Today, we know the truth. George Bush is a timid man who hears only the voices of caution and the status quo.

Let's face facts: George Bush just doesn't get it.

He doesn't see it; he doesn't feel it, and he's done nothing about it.

That's why we cannot afford four more years.

If the ''education president'' gets another term, even our kids won't be able to spell potato.

If the ''law and order president'' gets another term, the criminals will run wild, because our commander-in-chief talks like Dirty Harry, but acts like Barney Fife.

If the ''environmental president'' gets another term, the fish he catches off Kennebunkport will have three eyes.

And folks, after January, George Bush is going to have plenty of time to go fishing.

Ooops! That was Zell's 1992 Democratic Convention keynote address. Too bad, that speech would work as well today.

Shamelessly lifted from 1st Draft.

Life's A Crapshoot. Elections Don't Have To Be.

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